It's been awhile, hasn't it? 

No real excuse for not writing, other than life. When I am not writing, I am creating art. When I am not doing these things, I am working, participating in church activities & doing the day-to day as a wife & mother.

I am preparing for a big photoshoot tomorrow in which my art will be exhibited in a magazine & on display at the Kentucky Bourbon Festival; a very elite event.

I feel furthest from special, talented or "locally famous."

I have been going through a rough patch.  I have let rejection take a stronghold on me.  I have had trouble with anger, anxiety & depression my whole life & this "era" has consumed every aspect of my life. As I sit here writing, to search for some clarity; I am unbathed, in my same clothes as yesterday, sweaty feet in crocs, drinking coffee & eating chocolate ice-cream with a large spoonful peanut butter in it to "comfort myself," but, all I feel is heartache.  What I really want to do is find peace again & move on. 

Some of this depression increased over time with body aches, food intolerance & rashes.  I recently found out I have Fibromyalgia.  I took control of my health, but my moods are still erratic.I also have Hashimoto's Disease which has destroyed my Thyroid.

These strong emotions heightened  to peak level when I didn't get what I wanted.  When my art wasn't chosen for a very small art event  in my tiny town recently.  I was outraged.  My art was obviously the best. I still feel that way & it has been difficult to get over.  I know reasons why it wasn't chosen, or can speculate (small town politics). I knew this walking in, but I couldn't see  an ending where I didn't win. 

Then came more rejection - feeling left out of events, not needed, unnecessary, feeling not part of the team at church, moved to a different team at my job (not my fault, but it still feels targeted, because I was happy where I was).  I was excited about training to be an effective leader in my church, put myself out there even though no one recognized I had this passion for Christ in moving forward.  I wanted to be a vessel, find my place & use my spiritual gifts, discernment being one, not just my "talent" as an artist.  It didn't feel like anyone else wanted me to pursue this, but now I am in a place where my anger & sadness have blinded me to move forward.  So, I am calling for a change.  I am praying that the stirring in my soul (which isn't just rejection)makes it over this stumbling block.

I have also been having triggering thoughts about some past trauma that I would rather keep to myself.

I remind myself that Jesus was rejected.  BY LITERALLY EVERYONE.  But, he still did the THING.  He loved even though he wasn't.

Jesus “came to that which was His own but His own did not receive Him.” (John 1:11)

I recognize the devil wants to work through this real or imagined pain I am feeling and this prevents me from truly loving God and others.

So, right now, I declare God's love for me. I am actively praying for my mental & physical healing.

I want to help others who also feel lonely or marginalized. I want people to feel welcome & encouraged. Maybe this is where God is calling me to be one day.

“If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18)