“Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 (ESV)
I was going to write a devotional on Mother's Day. I awoke to the usual Mother's Day breakfast in bed with cinnamon rolls, sausage links and a cup of coffee with brown sugar, oatmilk and cinnamon in one of my many silly mugs. Later, we headed to church where everyone celebrated the glory of the females and we received long stem red roses. I even got to use my new beautifully designed artistic journaling bible. It should have been a nice day, but I was sad and I still am.
My friend at church lost her mother on Mother's Day and we were grieving with her. She still came to church with her family, which is incredibly brave; she is a very strong Christian woman. Feeling her palpable sorrow overwhelmed me. As Paul told us, "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." Romans 12:15.
I've stayed overwhelmed for days. This is the human experience, afterall, we all share in one another's joy and grief. Thursday before Mother's Day, I tried to get as much accomplished as I could before I took the day off with my son for an end of the year field trip to the Science Museum. It was daunting since my job is very hectic. I rarely eat lunch, I'm berated frequently, and there's always way too much thrown at me at once. I am a great multitasker, but this job has been well beyond multitasking, and it's affecting my health.
I've been very discouraged again due to my work situation; particularly with a person I try desperately to get along with each day, to the point I pray for her, as we should, Matthew 5: 43-48 (even though I don't want to). The past two days I snapped back at her a few times because of my anger getting the best of me and just pure exhaustion from being overworked in this toxic environment.
Needless to say, I've been searching and trusting that God will provide for me the right job. I thought, maybe I'm here for a reason, to share my light, to spread the love of God, but this place, it's a desert of hatred in which I'm the only happy little flower pushing its way through the dry, cracked ground. (Also picturing a cool painting idea).
I've been in a holding position since I've been rejected by a few interviews and too worn down from the day to day to look for something else. Right now, I'm trying to do what I can at work and at home, while also trying to encourage others along the way. I am trying to live this scripture as I drag myself out of bed into that miserable atmosphere that's thick with F words and animosity:
"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as Christ God forgave you." Ephesians 4:32.
But- I'm also feeling scared at the same time for this chaos I'm just standing in the middle of; motionless. It's been a rough few years employment wise (thanks to a Pandemic) and I'm looking for yet another job, how embarrassing.
I started this blog as a way to help myself, writing/ journaling is recommended for depression, anxiety and stress. I bought a new laptop in March just for this. I was planning a Podcast at first, but decided to start with writing. My new laptop already crashed and died. I have so many distractions, depressing thoughts and general technical issues that I know the devil is working hard to thwart God's plan for my life. He won't today though, because I'm typing on my cell phone. 😀
God called me write; to share my story and to use my gift of art to offer encouragement to fellow Christians and to be a witness to those who don't know Christ. He's been leading me here for a long time and I'm finally putting 2 and 2 together. (Mr. Obvious). (Enjoy the funny)
I've had multiple people send me words of encouragement through social media, texts and phone calls this week when I really needed them the most. I am so grateful for these brothers and sisters with their beautiful hearts. I'm hoping that this blog will also offer that same encouragement even as I'm going through this time of uncertainty, melancholy, reflection, and standing still.
I'm praying that God will give me the courage to move from this spot.
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