Space Invaders

"And the Lord said to Satan, “From where do you come?”

So Satan answered the Lord and said, “From going to and fro on the earth, and from walking back and forth on it.” Job 1:7

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." Ephesians 6:12

It was a cooler day outside today, so I took note of the sunny day, a nice breeze and less humidity to dig up some invasive liriope plants. I willingly planted these creeping creatures not knowing they would take over the landscape while also be resistent to all the weed killers in the world.  I sat in the damp grass with my spade and dug away at the knotted root balls with fingers of stretching, webbed roots that covered the entire expanse of the bed.  My husband had to dig up a few of the tough ones as I handed plucked plants and clumps of dirt with trailing roots to my son to throw in the garbage can.  We had a good system going until I clawed my left hand into the soil to tear apart some more roots and my forefinger met a shard of glass from a long ago broken bird bath covered by the earth. Just the best way to complete a mentally exhausting week.

My finger was throbbing & tightly bandaged, but my husband helped me cook pork chops, brats and asparagus on the grill.  Afterward, I contemplated the events of the day.  I thought, this is what I am going to focus on in my writing tonight.  My space, quite literally, is being invaded.  Remember the 1978 video game, Space Invaders where you shoot down lines of aliens by firing projectiles from some sort of cannon? When the aliens are defeated, their movement and the game's music sped up which would, in turn, make you feel anxious, like at any moment it would be GAME OVER.  The space invasion is not just within the turf of my flower beds or in an old video game, but in the terrain of my mind.

Before I had decided to dig in the landscaping, my temper, the horrible angry beast I've tried to keep at bay, reimerged once again in the worst of ways.  I was on my phone with a customer service person with a financial institution.  I wasn't happy with them talking over me and generally giving me generic answers to questions.  Ultimately, I had enough and lost it.  Not just normal anger, pent up ridiculous wails, profanity and screeches like some sort of wild animal.  I scared my son.  He ran into our bedroom and slammed the door and wailed with me.  I ran to him and apologized profusely for letting myself get that inconsolable; uncontrollable.  I made him old-fashioned popcorn in the popper, an activity we enjoy together, and I tried to smooth over my unexceptable outbursts.

Lately, as I have mentioned before, I have been overwhelmed. This customer service rep was just the straw to break the camel's back.  Financial woes always worry me, dealing with difficult people (work) and just feeling generally like I am waiting for the next bad thing to happen to put me over the edge again.

The only thing I have the most confidence in at this moment, aside from the fact that I know I have a God will hear my cries, is that I am having distracting, intrusive thoughts and the rage I worked so hard to remedy through therapy, study and prayer is creeping back in.  I hear people whispering at the office, so it must be about me....I hear them shut a door, laughing it up behind the door so I can't hear.....(jokes on you, I can't hear anyway, I have two fans going because I'm hot).  I get constant e-mails from that difficult co-worker that interrupts my tasks to write about how I messed up a completely different task and I need to do it right....I want to throw my mouse against the wall and walk out of the place for good....thoughts about my son's behavior problems......thoughts about how I will never be able to pay this or that.....I will never be the person God meant for me to be.....

Intrusive thoughts visit everyone, or as I like to call it, the "devil gettin' after me. " It is the brain's attempt to find control in a world that is out of control; to find certainty. "The ego believes that if it can just answer this one question, it can relax and it will be able to determine the outcome of an uncertain situation." (Conscious Transitions, a blog I found on intrusive thoughts/ anxiety).  But, it's spiritual warfare plain and simple.  Yes, I have significant anxiety, ADHD, anger management problems (generally in the past) and a family history of depression, but sometimes it hits out of left field.  Something is feeding on it.  Things are going great and bam! You're crumpled onto the ground struggling to get to your feet again.

Surprise!  It's Satan!