My Obstinate Child

"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old, he will not depart from it." Proverbs 22:6

Life has been challenging as of late.  I've had this nagging feeling for weeks which I can't explain, contemplative, but feeling like also something not great is going to happen, feeling defeated at times, generally tired. I haven't written like I would like. I've had challenges at work, which you well know, landscape reconstruction at my house (me ripping out tons of roots, planting new flowers, tending to my tomato plants, trimming shrubs and spreading mulch).  My son and husband helped with some of it by force. (haha). I also repotted a ton of indoor pretties.

The boy, as we call him, Evan, is going through some issues again and I don't know how to help him. I try to empathatize with him, but sometimes he pushes me and his father over the edge.  He's blatantly defiant at times, easily angered and often manipulative, but yet, can be the sweetest boy you've ever met: kind, caring, thoughtful and fiercely devoted to me specifically.

Since he started 1st grade, we discovered he had some difficulties.  He didn't have a normal Kindergarten experience.  Daycare and Preschool were amazing for him up until age 4.  At 4, he went through his father's illness and watching his mom go through it as well: juggling him, a sick husband and one income. It was a difficult time for our whole family, but being a child watching it all unfold, I am sure it was extremely confusing for his young brain.  We had many talks with him to explain that Daddy had a heart condition and that he would be okay.  We prayed every night before bed, together as a family.  Things turned out okay for us all.  Better than anticipated.  We made it through that challenge and were a closer family for it.

Then came COVID and the closing of his preschool/daycare.  He never got to graduate; we didn't get to celebrate him moving on to "big boy school."  He met his Kindergarten teacher under the cover of the Pandemic mask.  We could meet her in the classroom 6 feet apart, in small groups, but never actually learn in a classroom or experience how to maneuver a bus schedule, the lunchroom or regular social interactions with his peers.  All his classes were online and he was at a babysitter during the day who helped with his courses, but was also dealing with her own share of struggles with her family. Evan has seen and experienced a lot of turmoil in his short life so far.

By 1st grade, we discovered he was having difficulty learning.  He was behind, like many of the pandemic kids, except with some differences. He was so confused in the classroom that he would cry, yell, hit his head against the desk and clench pencils in his fist, jabbing them into the top out of desk out of frustration. Needless to say, the other children in his classroom were frightened.

I took action immediately.  We saw his pediatrician, were referred to a child psychologist, where we and his school completed paperwork that ultimately determined he had ADHD with oppositional defiance disorder.  During the school year, he sees a therapist that visits the school and he is on an educational plan that is more one on one to help him to learn more effectively.  He has made amazing strides and his test scores and learning has improved dramatically especially in his second grade year with a supportive teacher.  

Fast forward, we are having trouble again.  He was doing so well at both school and church.  He was baptized this Easter season on Palm Sunday.  He's been obstinate, mouthy and constantly into things or taking things he shouldn't, making messes and not cleaning them up, etc.  

As Proverbs 29:17 says, "Discipline your children, and they will give you peace; they will bring you the delights you desire." As parents, we differ in our description of discipline.  Brian yells a lot and grounds him (a lot).  I try to get to the root of his issues and meet him where he is.  Don't get me wrong, I get stern with him too, and sometimes I "light into him" with my words, but I want him to learn from his mistakes.  I just want him to grow up to be a decent, Christian man.  Not in prison or a serial killer.  When will this child give me peace, oh Lord? (as I cackle like a crazed lunatic).

Being a parent is the most rewarding experience and also the most challenging.  It requires self-sacrifice. We still covet our time to ourselves especially when it's been utter chaos and we need a moment to breathe. It's easy to be resentful and be the worst version of ourselves when a child invades our sacred quiet time.

Lately, I have been short with him, mainly because of his behavior; upset that I've only painted one painting this year or that I haven't started my collage for the state Fair.  I get peeved when I haven't got to watch my crime shows or read like I would like.  By the same token, I'm also sad that he spends more time away from me playing outside or going to friends' houses. The cuddles and kisses from my little cherub faced boy are few and far between, replaced by a wiley, gangly almost 8 year old who'd rather be digging a giant hole in my yard, playing Minecraft or griping about his perceived parental injustices. I've been emotional, distracted, not the attentive Mother I used to be.  I guess we all go through these phases, both Evan and I.

I am thankful, however annoying it was, that he got out of bed to claim he "was so hot and couldn't sleep," which obviously was a ruse for me to kiss his forehead and tuck him back in (his bedroom was chilly).

On the other hand, he's my heart.  He's the child I prayed for 1 Samuel 1:27 whether or not he hurts me, and yes, your child will hurt you over and over again, but you'll continue to love them all the same.

As I lie here in bed typing the remainder of this essay, I hope and pray that he will grow into the Godly young man we hope he becomes.  I pray that we acknowledge Jesus in our home and lives daily.  That we show him God's love and mercy.  I pray that we are good examples to him.  I pray that we continue that pursuit for him, and that my defiant child will seek God to lead his heart and mind.