The Journey - Deep Peace and Solitude

"He sent and had John [The Baptist] beheaded in the prison, and his head was brought on a platter and given to the girl, and she brought it to her mother. And his disciples came and took the body and buried it, and they went and told Jesus. Now when Jesus heard this, he withdrew from there in a boat to a desolate place by himself."

(Matthew 14:10-13, ESV).

October 19, 2024

Today has been relaxing so far.  I started this gorgeous, sunny day, with a couple breakfast burritos my husband made, some iced espresso I made myself, a shower & then I sat in my studio & listened to calming bells with my drink. Later, I did some minor grocery shopping while listening to a YouTube video on brain biology & trauma. I may have also gotten some Chick-Fil-A, it's called self-care, okay?

Last Tuesday, I had my consultation with Dr. Jim Hopper, the Psychologist I spoke of in my last entry.  It was truly enlightening for me and helped "prove" what I already vaguely remember.  I was likely sexually assaulted by someone (probably my counselor) as a child and due to a history of covering things up, a learned family behavior, I blocked it out..  I disassociate when things are too difficult or painful & have done so for years.  It felt freeing that someone would take the time to truly listen to me and validate this. I may never get all my memories back, but it could be the best thing for me.  Being the detective I am, I often want those memories back.  I want to work through it & be all the more stronger for it. I hate the term, it is what it is, but truly in my situation, it is.

I'm lying here in one of many of my sister's guest beds writing. I'm listening to the soft hum of the fan, enjoying it's gentle breeze.  I wish I had an industrial fan, because white noise lulls me to sleep.  I turned on a phone fan app to get my son to bed. He looks so peaceful cuddled with his Squishmallow, Nigel, lying next to me. He had an exciting day. We're visiting my sister & brother in law, celebrating my nephew's birthday.  My other sister, her twin, & her children are here, as well as our Dad. I'm feeling happy.  I feel at peace.  

Much of the day, I pondered the idea of quiet and solitude, before I joined in the chaos of a group of 7 children ages 6-11. Everyone in this house has gone to sleep, now, I have solitude. My home life is raucous with our three dogs, two cats, my son & husband. It's loud with the high-pitched tone of client phone calls & client demands throughout my work week. 

It was especially deafening at my church, the place in which I sought quiet and solitude. I can't explain it, but it was sometimes too much for me to always know how people are, to know how they work or are put together, my thoughts were intrusive & I needed a deeper communion with God.

I'm still a Christian, I'm still in prayer with God, but I'm seeking deep peace & solitude, much like I feel in this moment in this silent room with just the fan blowing & my son's soft snores. I need this quiet more often as I am working through healing my mind & body.

I think about all the times in the Bible that Jesus had to get away to meditate, worship & pray. He made it a priority to speak to His Father & to clear his mind. I get that now & like Him, I am making it a priority.

"And rising very early in the morning, while it was still dark, he departed and went out to a desolate place, and there he prayed." (Mark 1:35, ESV).